Beer vs Coffee: Part 2 - Why Coffee is Better

Hello viewers and welcome to another exciting (albeit chilly) day Extreme Statistics!

Okay so we've heard the things that beer has over coffee, and if you haven't heard the beef between these two bubbly behemoths, then I humbly suggest that you take a peek at Beer vs Coffee: Part 1 - Why Beer is Better and the prologue to hear the full story. But in all honestly, did we really hear the "full story?" Is beer really the better beverage? Well if you ask around, you may get some opinions to answer your question, perhaps a "coffee sucks" here and a "beers more fun" there. I'll let you decide, but in the meantime, here are 5 facinating facts proving why it is coffee that would be the apex predator in this liquid guzzling food chain.

from shupes.net

Disclaimer: Some junk-talking and bias-ness may commence.

Fact Number 1: Coffee Tastes Better.

• According to the professionals of beer taste and quality at Alabev, there are 14 general types of flavors, or styles rather, that beer would fall into. These range from Aromaic and Fruity to Foul and Bitter (which is what you usually get ripped off over from your local supermarket). All in all however, you can be sure that no matter what type of flavor you're given while downing your hop and yeast slush concoction, all will agree that beer can only settle for being an acquired taste. In laymens terms, "its gonna smell and it's gonna burn going down, you just have to learn how to deal with it if you need friends. And we all know you do." 

• On the other end of the spectrum, coffee boasts over it's skunky brotheren with more available flavors then the stars in the sky. It really is endless, and there are more varieties of coffee appearing everyday. Take for example this site who makes their money simply by selling flavored coffee. And if you still crave that bitterness, just drink stronger coffee. Good luck trying to find coffee-flavored beer though.

Fact Number 2: Coffee's More Widely Accepted.

• On my long and hard journey growing up in this world. I've never been asked my age, had to give some ID at any time of my life, nor questioned whether or not I hold any criminal records when purchasing a hot cup of java. Sounds ridiculous, but between the two drinks, I (oh and uh, this guy) would agree that there is much less of a hassle for trying to "smuggle out" some caffeine for your minor then it is for smuggling booze. Now granted, I'm sure there is a very good reason why little timmy shouldn't take a swig out of that can of BECK'S. And let's face it folks, fact - it's just plain wrong.

This is illegal you know?

Fact Number 3: Coffee's Safer.

• You guys knew this was gonna come up sooner or later didn't you? Well if you didn't then perhaps you aren't aware of all the commercials and videos talking about drunk driving. And I don't need to tell you, it's proven that too much beer while driving puts your under the influence, which leads to deadly consequences. Since 1983, there's roughly 2 million arrests related to drunk driving in the US alone. Ask anyone how many arrests have been related to caffeine intoxication and you'll get the this answer - zero. Sheesh, and I didn't even get started on how beer alters your judgement. I rest my case.

Your car after too many starbucks.

Your car after too many strongbows.

Fact Number 4: Coffee Will Get You a Job Faster.

• Mark Suster from Both Sides of the Table hit's the nail on the coffin with this one (or in this case, the coffee cup on the espresso machine! - okay i'm sorry). Basically, taking your future employers out for a simple cup of coffee and having about 50 coffee meeting with these multiple companies will land you at around 10,000 hours that you would otherwise be doing straining your eyes on monster.com - or getting drunk wishing you had a job. It's a quick way to get yourself noticed. This blogger was one of the many who got a job in this way. Besides, the caffeine would help you become and appear more alert in the interview, versus the reverse effects for alcohol - or whether your employer offers one or not.

"Yeah yeah you're hired. Now pass me s'mere of that latte."

Fact Number 5: Coffee is easier to make.

• Not much needs to be said here, it's kinda self-explanatory. Now granted, I'm aware that there is no effective personal beer-making machines out there - whoops! Anyway, from powder to full brew, the average coffee pot will get you your steaming brown glory in just around 2-4 minutes, assuming you used a coffee maker, and even shorter if you prefer an espresso. On the fly and the moment you want it. For beer on the other hand, after you go through all the ridiculously demanding tasks of the brewing process. You know, like the carbonation, the fermenting, the hop boiling, the barley boiling, the - ow my brain! Well let's just say it this way. "You ain't getting no beer for atleast 2-3 more weeks!" The best machine I've seen for this job are from the boys at williamswarn. They boast on how their machine can get the job done in just seven days. I guess that's impressive. Coffee makers are easy to get and you can find some on amazon for just around $20 bucks. Probably a little cheaper than those clunkers you see at the bars. Oh and I should mention, williamswarn are willing to sell their prized contraption for a "measly" $5,666, plus an extra $32 for ingredients yippie!

"This does NOT include tax, you snooty little cheapskate you!"

So I gave you the data, the stats, the pros and cons of both the tall dark and handsome coffee, and the sexy, risque, adults only beer. But who is the real Beverage behemoth, for me I can't say. All in all they are drinks that have impacted what we consider a culture. But here I ask you. Which really is better. You decide! As for me, maybe I'll go on and get cold-drunk tonight with some buds, and help sooth the morning hangover with a cup of joe... maybe.